This morning I left the house at 7:30, cycled ten miles and then did half an hour of weight training at the gym before I went into the office. I have become exactly the kind of person I hate.
I’d like to tell you that this is all some sort of new year health drive, but the truth is that I took my motorbike to bits over xmas so I could give it a service, and I never quite got round to putting it back together again. So I’m back onto pedal power until I can be bothered to finish the job – it’s either that or get the train, which takes nearly twice as long and costs £10 a day. Every time I buy a rail ticket these days, it feels like I’ve let the minister for transport push his crusty dick an inch further down my throat.
When I cycle to work I shower in the gym near my office and, if I happen to get there a bit early, why not do a few weights first while I’m in the mood, just to keep everything tight? I don’t mean to be a fit-freak, it just kind of happened by accident.
The only time I ever get road rage is when I’m cycling. If I’m in the car or on the motorbike and somebody does something dumb, I generally have a laid back, forgiving attitude towards life – people make mistakes, it’s cool, go in peace my fellow human. But if you cross me when I’m cycling I will cut you. Well, I’ll probably shout at you a bit. I will cut you with my words.
Anyway. I read that Westminster Council is thinking of cutting benefits for unhealthy people who won’t exercise, which is clearly a stupid idea because all that would happen is that gyms would become clogged up with obnoxious slobs half-arsedly going through the motions just to make sure they get their next benefit payment.
Surely the carrot would work better than the stick to solve this problem, instead of punishing fatties, we should reward fitties. Obviously having a hot body is its own reward, but throwing a bit of tax relief into the bargain can’t hurt, so how about once a year everybody has to report to a tax office and do 100 press-ups in order to qualify for 10% income tax reduction, or maybe some free Argos vouchers if you're unemployed?