Key budget points at a glance

No more fancy biscuits, just Rich Tea.

The top rate of going on about Caitlin Moran's latest column will be increased to 17.5 from September.

Feeling a bit sad but not really being able to explain why to remain unchanged until 2014.

3% duty increase on bitter regret and wistful reminiscence. Unrequited love to be linked to inflation from next year.

£150million of extra funds earmarked for shouting at the telly, rising to £250million when Question Time is on.

Tax free earnings limit to be increased to look, over there, it's a heron!

As of 2014 energy will be equal to mass multiplied by the speed of light, to the power of 1.9.

Interest free loans, up to 20% of the value of a bottle of WKD Blue, for first time drinkers.

UK economy downgraded from grower to shower.

Rate of fingering reduced to 13%.

Debt as a share of GDP to increase from don't you worry your pretty little head about it to why don't you just put the kettle on and make a nice cup of tea?